WEBSTER COUNTY, KY (11/7/12) – Like all great contests, our Grand Championship came down to the wire and we had to implement our super-secret tie-breaking system to unveil our 2012 winner. As we go to our Doppler radar screen we detect ‘Smokin’ Joe Campbell holding off the cold front which is Kent ‘Muscles’ Boswell for the title. ‘Guest Expert’ ‘Toddler’ Griffin also clicked the turnstile with a 9-1 for a second strong week in a row. Must be the meds kicking in ... finally! Both veterans posted weekly wins this season, including a pair of victories by ‘Muscles’. But ‘Smokin’ Joe’s 9-1 and 30-17 tiebreaking score squeaked by our little coal baron who said the Commodores would spank the Cats 27-17. Actual score, as we all know, was 237-0 ... or at least that’s the way it seemed. ‘Muscles’ is back to his cloning experiment and dodging the EPA with trusty sidekick ‘Grizzly’ Pendleton.
Breaking news ... this just in to “BTE” Headquarters ... Mitch ‘Dollar Bill’ Barnhardt has just hired a new football coach for the Wildcats ... replacing Joker will be the Riddler! The Penguin is the new defensive coordinator.
Oh, by the way ... slight increase in ticket prices at Commonwealth ... $37.50 to stand in line for a ticket and the actual ticket will just be $112.32. No charge for tailgating as long as you provide ‘Dollar Bill’ with a six-pack and polish sausage! Sidenote: Drew Carey will tour the stands each Saturday shouting ... “come on down ... you’re the next quarterback on the Price is Right!”! Should be fun ... not successful, but fun!
Those players voting for “job creation and more educational funding” included 8-2 ballot box punchers Virginia “Hoosier Baby” Jenkins (pretty solid year for a rookie), Bobby ‘Tank’ Gibson (still partying from his 3-peat ... we forgot to tell ya that would provide World Champ rings for a 4-peat), Doug ‘Double D’ Dennis, Susan ‘Soup’ Campbell, and a man who has quite a fan club in Madisonville right now ... good looking, suave, lean-mean banking machine ... Jorge ‘Billy Bob’ Tauil (sounds like a perfect candidate for Dancing With The Stars), and another crafty veteran who once was “bullied” in high school by Joey ‘Why do they keep calling me Gaffe’ Biden ... Phil ‘Hot Tub’ Teer.
And speaking of space cadets ... returning to the mother ship for another off-season will be 7-3 players George ‘the Waffle Legend’ Pirtle, Ralph ‘D1.25’ Sharp, along with favorite ‘Expert’ and girl that just keeps everything from turning red in Clay ... Angie ‘Bam Bam’ Peercy.
Well, well, well ... Greg ‘Ninja’ Pirtle pulled out some killer weapons from his bag of tricks and de-throned (we all know how painful that can be) ‘the Brain’ for the top ‘Expert’ position in 2012. ‘Ninja’ will return to his mansion in Robards and host weekly cookouts for his gigantic fan club and continue to manicure his Andy Reid-like moustache. ‘The Brain’ will slip away into the darkness, maybe become the towel boy for Barry O at his Maui estate or maybe just sit around and punch “send” to all his online dating service accounts.
Those falling to the bottom of the pile ... kinda like a Madonna movie ... and having to live with it for another cold winter including 6-4 players Clint ‘Big Mo’ Thornberry, Keith ‘Storm Chaser’ Cartwright, and ‘Expert’ Mack ‘the Knife’. Their motto for the rest of the year ... “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell!”
And speaking of ‘the Knife’ and his little cast of characters at the Townsend Food & Fun Center ... gotta give a shout-out to “Beam Me Up” Scottie and the biggest sensation to hit the streets since Taylor Swift’s new ‘paste-on lip gloss’ ... yes, that’s right ... we’re talking about Stevie ‘Skeeter’ Duncan. It’s official, no gridlock here ... he has successfully survived his first-year, probationary period at “BTE” Headquarters will now be referred to by his official title ... ‘Dr. Skeeter’! Congrats! We have some lovely parting gifts for you ... I think they’re over by the produce section! Enjoy the off season and hopefully all those nagging injuries will heal. Hope you enjoyed being a part of our little group as we enjoyed having you on board!
Well kids, another year has come and gone ... it’s been a blast.
Thanks for playing and most of all, thanks for all the emails, notes and comments. Couldn’t do it without ya! C-ya next year!
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