WEBSTER COUNTY, Ky. (9/5/13) - 30 years kids! That’s like the average life span of a pair of ‘tightie-whities’ worn by Rex Ryan. But this is the 30th and final season of “BTE” and it started with a bang. (NSA and Homeland Security have shutdown our world headquarters citing national security issues ... seems we have toooo many nick-named players ... they can’t keep up with all of ‘em. Tags like ‘Muscles’, ‘Atomic Bomb’, ‘Knife’, ‘Bam Bam’ and ‘Skeeter’ have just sent their little spy operation into a frenzy!
And speaking of a frenzy, topping the list of candidates this week is none other than the Mayor of Princeton and the chief life guard at Rapid City Water Park located in Fredonia ... Ralph ‘D1’ Sharp. Dusting off the summer cobwebs and splashing right into the 8-2 pool, ‘D1’ cannon-balled (and we all know how painful that can be) the competition to jump-start our little contest. Wow, cannon-balled just sent NSA ‘sats’ into orbit!
We’re spying 7-3 as-tro-nots who decided to try re-entry into the final season. Hoping to make a successful splashdown was tent salesman extraordinaire Phillip ‘Hot Tub’ Teer, Charlie ‘Atomic Bomb’ Hust along with long-time ‘Expert’ and winner of last season’s ‘Expert’ panel Greg ‘Ninja’ Pirtle. Hey, when you’re a hammer, everything and everybody looks like a nail! Ouch!
Quickly jumping to 6-4 space cadets, the list includes George ‘the Legend’ Pirtle, Doug ‘Double D’ Dennis, Keith ‘Storm Chaser’ Cartwright, ‘Toddler’ Griffin and the front man for clean coal ... he washes every ton by hand and neatly places in a zip-lock bag ... Kent ‘Muscles’ Boswell.
A trio of half-and-halfers spit and sputtered on the launchpad for week one. Gary the Professor’ Goodaker along with ‘Expert’s Mack ‘the Knife’ Townsend and ‘the Brain’ Hust. No excuse for ‘the Brain’ ... maybe he needs to double-up on the meds and quit runnin’ that mouth like a Johnny Manziel wind-up toy! As for ‘the Knife’ ... lots of turmoil and confusion in the big city. Yep, you guessed it ... Steve ‘Skeeter’ Duncan having another crisis. It seems that ‘Skeeter’ was in a tizzy this spring concerning all the hoop-la about the “Royal Baaaaby”! “What’s all the fuss”, Skeeter was quoted as crumbs of pickled bologna and crackers fell from his cheek. “I know I’m a descendant of Royalty and I’ll prove it!” Well, sure enough, after extensive research and a few phone calls to some Snowden dude in Moscow ... it was revealed that ‘Skeeter’ is 17.25th in line for the Brit crown. So let just extend this invitation to all to join ‘Skeeter’ and the boyz next week for his coronation as “Duke of Dixon”. There will be music, jokes, food and fun for all ... just another day in the neighbor, right!
Back to the contest, got a couple the fell below the equator, if you know what I mean, to 4-6 ... including ‘Expert’ Angie ‘Bam Bam’ Peercy (girls night out proved to be a dud for week one), Virginia ‘Southern Belle’ Gibson, Susan ‘Soup’ Campbell along with Guest Expert and last year’s Grant Champion ‘Smokin’ Joe Campbell, along with a bro who needs no introduction ... but maybe a new set of wristbands with better pickins on ‘em ... Bobby ‘Empty Tank’ Gibson.
“BTE” Week 2 games
O-boro Catholic @ Owensboro
Caldwell Co. @ Ohio County
Central Hardin @ Madisonville
Notre Dame @ Michigan
Florida @ Miami
New England @ Buffalo
Green Bay @ San Francisco
Tennessee @ Pittsburgh
Atlanta @ New Orleans
South Carolina @ Georgia
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